Mad Heidi

The mountains of Switzerland. Fresh air. Fresh faced young people, full of love. Wild flowers and waterfalls and...cheese smuggling? This Alpine Paradise might not be quite what you thought it was. Iron Sky director Timo Vuorensola may have delivered a disappointment with that film’s sequel, but with his producer hat on he’s back on form with this unlikely tale of totalitarianism, resistance and revenge.

The cheese smuggler is Goat Peter (Kel Matsena), whose affectionate relationship with his caprine charges has inspired him to create his own products high amongst the peaks. This is a serious offence in a mountain land under the sway of tyrannical leader and cheese magnate President Meili (Casper Van Dien). When the military police track him down, they also arrest his girlfriend Heidi (Alice Lucy), taking a more serious interest upon discovering that she’s the daughter of an old revolutionary. That’s their first mistake.

As Meili develops a nefarious scheme to take out his French rivals by selling them a dangerous new form of ultra high lactose cheese, our heroine is thrown into prison with butch cellmates who promise to have a good time with her but actually just want to engage in platonic wrestling and sticking her head in the toilet. Growing frustrated with the prison diet of pure cheese, she looks for a way out. By the time she escapes, however, she’s no longer the same sweet, innocent girl that she was, and after a journey to discover her true power, she’s ready for vengeance.

Although it drags a little at the end, promising s spectacular showdown which was always going to fall short, most of the film is energetic and equipped with enough real story to hold viewer interest after the thrill of the central concept has faded. David Schofield is great as the old man seeking vengeance, with solid support from Leon Herbert as his one-time ally (and Goat Peter’s father). Van Dien, though cast according to type, does something a little different with Meili, and is the only one to attempt a Swiss accent. He’s also developed a nice line in megalomaniacal laughter. The only weak link is Heidi herself. Lucy has the force of personality which the role needs but she never convinces as a naïve mountain girl and Heidi’s character arc never comes alive in her performance. It’s a shame, because this leaves some key scenes feeling rather flat.

Pun fans may be disappointed by the shortage of cheese related jokes, but this is perhaps a wise choice, as too much play in the dialogue would have weakened the character work still further. There’s no holding back when it comes to the incorporation of Swiss clichés, however, from a man being beaten with a Toblerone to death by accordion. There are Alpine horns, yodelling references and an implied sexual act involving cervelat and mustard. We also get Japanese references reminiscent of Life Of Brian’s proliferation of Welsh people, including the presence of a random Japanese schoolgirl, Klara (Almar G Sato), who becomes Heidi’s friend.

Not willing to forgo the opportunity for a Starship Troopers joke, the film actually pulls it off pretty well in the form of a state-programmed advert calling on people to turn in their lactose intolerant neighbours. Neither lactose nor mustard work in the way that the film suggests, but accuracy is not the primary consideration here. Importantly, the film stays true to its internal logic. There’s plenty of gushing blood to satisfy fans of violence, but it’s all far too cartoonish to upset any but the most squeamish of viewers.

Bertrand Russell once said that if one offers offer a man the choice between democracy and a bag of grain, his answer will depend on how hungry he is. Pitted against cheese, the cause of democracy has to work rather harder. Mad Heidi tries to work around this by suggesting the Meili’s aim is to make his cheeses the only option, doing away with “those Brie-eating bastards” and putting a end to artisan products. It’s not altogether successful in pulling off this sleight of hand, but it is a lot of fun.